Thursday, April 28, 2011

Playwrights Project Scene 1 for Feedback

Scene One

Characters: Maurice Colston - Tall for his age, very skinny, light skin complexion, buzz cut haircut.

Jacoby Colston - Short and chunky, light skin complexion, short hair.

Michele Colston- Tall for a woman, long black hair with blonde highlights, and wears a lot of make up.



Setting: In a medium sized 3 bedroom condo, in the dining room at the table.

At Rise: It is lunch time and the mother Michele is drinking a Corona near the counter. Maurice and Jacoby are eating sandwiches on the table that their mom made.

Michele

(Sets the plates with the sandwiches on the table, very disturbed from an argument earlier. Very grumpy.)

Here’s your lunch, and don’t leave the table until you have finished it all.

Jacoby

[Very hungry, in good mood to begin with. ]

Thanks mom.

Maurice

[Not hungry, anxious to play on trampoline, in a good mood.]

Thanks mom, but I’m not really hungry, I am still full from the cereal I had earlier. Jacoby

Yeah and he didn’t even save me any mom!

Maurice

Now you know how I felt when you ate all of the last three boxes we’ve had fat boy.

Michele

[Talking very angry]

Stop arguing! Maurice you aren’t going anywhere until you finish that sandwich whether you’r hungry or not!

Maurice

But I told you I’m not hungry mom, I’ve already eaten. Can I just go play on the trampoline?Michele

No! You’r going to eat and if you don’t then you can go to your room.

Jacoby

[Takes his last bite of his sandwich.]

I’m done mom. I’m going to play video games.

Maurice

[Finishing his sandwich in anger]

I’m done. Now may I go play on the trampoline?

Michele

[Very rude]

No Jacoby you’r not going anywhere. I’m the boss here you don’t tell me what you’r going to do, I do, so go clean your room. Maurice, since you asked you can go outside on your little trampoline.

Jacoby

[Whining]

Awww mom! Fine

What do you want to read about in the next scene of my play?

What is the best part of my scene?

What could I add to this scene to make it better?

5 comments:

  1. It was a good start...just add a few more details.

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  2. I like how you used the details of the character and setting. You just need to add some more details and descriptive wording.

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  3. The best part of your scene was the action words because it shows more details and made it seem more real. You could put what the pervious argument was about.

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  4. I agree with Terrance, it seems a little too plain.

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  5. Great job on your scene one. you had started off with great deatails but it seems you got a bit lazy at the end, but you did a great job anyway.

    ReplyDelete